Lawrence Liverless Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest, densest, freakish, most useless element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mega-morons, which feed off of the element Moronium, (Mm) & are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert and retarded by the element Intellectium; has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can impede a reaction, obstructing any action, and increasing rebound by years, instead of hours.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places and shift the outward appearance to trick the eye into thinking it sees something younger, when in reality, the Pelosium is ancient and decrepit, lacking substance.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

How to combat the effects of Pelosium and Moronium?

Anti-Moron matter charged by accelerated action, channeled through the iron-bound rock-solid elements originating from Constitutium source, which radiate intense light directed at the dense Pelosium matter, causing a chain-reaction of Patriotiums, which congregate enmasse and overrun the inert moronium mass obstructing any positive reaction. The merged effects of Patriotiums with all energey directed towards the dense matter, is a complete annihilation of the offending Pelosium and Moronium elements.


Donald Borsch Jr. said...

LOL! Awesome!

Hey, you should write for a living!

Long Live the Republic.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! Yeah, the author should do that for a living :)

Anonymous said...

Love it!

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